Category Archives: Lonely Boy

Lonely Boy anthology

If you’ve come to this page as a result of reading my call for writers at Places for Writers, please click on the story submission page for more info.

Thanks

C

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Crying is a strength, not weakness…

Many have criticized news man Anderson Cooper for what they consider diluting his credibility by doing a daytime talk show. Whatever you think of it though, you have to give him credit for shining a light on topics that are important to him. One such topic is loss and how “closure” is not something that can easily happen, or happen at all, when missing a loved one. All we can hope for is that time and working through it lessens the pain of the loss, and that missing that person becomes less of a burden and more a remembrance.

Here’s his latest show, wherein he calls on his mom’s wisdom to help him, and his guests tell the emotional truth about their experiences.

This particular clip is of a boy, Kyle, who lost his dad at 10, two years ago (coincidentally the same age that Anderson Cooper was when his father died). Kyle tells Anderson he allows himself to talk about his dad and cry as much as he feels he has to because it helps him. Kyle says that crying is a sign of strength, not weakness. Wise words for a 12 year old.

Kyle also talked about feeling frightened when his father died, and in the aftermath he felt that it was his duty now to step up and look after his mom and baby sister. This is an all too common result of father-loss (whether death or divorce), causing a boy to grow up too fast.

I recommend watching the show. It’s not a topic Mr. Cooper is likely to let go of.


Anderson Cooper celebrates his mom, remembers his dad

Sometimes when you ask a man who grew up without a father about his dad, he will immediately talk about his mother. He’ll talk about her strength and her sacrifice in having to play both roles. Sometimes he’ll even say that she was so good at it, that he didn’t know what he was missing.

Not Anderson Cooper. In his 2006 book, Dispatches from the Edge, he wrote:

“Sometimes I wonder if I’m the person I was born to be, if the life I’ve lived really is the one I was meant to, or if it is some half life, a mutation engineered by loss, cobbled together by the will to survive.” 

Yesterday, on his new daytime television talk show, he interviewed his 87 year old mother, Gloria Vanderbilt. Now, apart from his infectious giggle, this serious news anchor is usually pretty composed.  What brought tears to his eyes on this day were memories of his father, who died when he was 10, and specifically, his mother telling him his dad would have been so proud of  the man he became and his accomplishments.

The interview also covers the suicide of his brother.

Some people like to criticize Mr. Cooper for aspects of his personal life he doesn’t talk about but I think it’s more important that he has never shied away from discussing his father and brother and the impact their loss has had on his life. It takes courage but it helps others in immeasurable ways to use your public platform for the good.

Watch the show here.


Failing boys

Last month the Globe & Mail had a series of articles on so-called failing boys, causes, solutions. One reaction to the series was by a young, Toronto student who wrote this illuminating article:

16-year-old: I’m fatherless, black, but no “failing boy”

This insightful youth also contributed an article to the Toronto Star a few years back:

Choices for children with no dads

It’s not a predicament any boy wants to be in, but good to know there is an awareness and some great role models out there for lonely boys.


Father-less-ness resources

I recently received a comment from a gentleman who found this site looking for resources and help and came away disappointed by the lack of it here. (you can see his comment on this site and I encourage engagement with him or me upon reading).

As I explained to him and I hope he understands, this is a fairly new site, created in tandem with a book on which I am working which will present stories by Canadian male writers who have lost their fathers through death; through abandonment due to divorce or separation; or through emotional absence. What I mean to do is provide a jumping off point for comments, thoughts, stories, and a sharing of resources from men to other men, or the women who love and support them.

What I have yet to do, and I will correct that with this post, is to provide the background materials that I used when researching this topic. Some of the books were help guides, written by psychologists, others were stories of fathers and sons that somehow illuminate the issues, resolve them, or just provide insight.

This topic is close to my heart for many reasons, particularly because I have seen too many men in my life, and in general, in pain due to father-loss. I have this idea that a place like this could help to ease the pain a little by providing an open forum for discussion, sharing and also by guiding those who happen upon this site to information that they can use in a practical way.

My commenter thought maybe I was exploiting this topic in order to sell books. I have no connection to the books I recommend here. Upon such time as my own book is published I will of course recommend it because of the important and necessary to tell stories contained within. I am not the writer of said book – I am well aware I don’t qualify by virtue of not being a son without a father. I am the collector and editor of the stories only.

Lately, I have come to believe strongly that men get short shrift in our society and so part of my purpose with this website as well is to be a repository for interesting and insightful books, news articles, stories, websites, etc that address the issues that men regularly deal with, beyond the father/son topic.

Here now though, is my father/son research list, which I am always on the look out to expand. So please feel free to write me with your finds.

A Wolf at the Table, Augusten Burroughs, St. Martin’s Press, 2008

Dispatches from the Edge, Anderson Cooper, Harper Collins, 2006

WIth the Boys: Field Notes on Being a Guy, Jake MacDonald, Greystone Books, 2005

Fatherloss: How Sons of All Ages Come to Terms with the Deaths of Their Dads, Neil Chethik, Hyperion, 2001

In the Shadow of a Saint, Ken Wiwa, Vintage Canada, 2001

Summer Gone, David McFarlane, VIntage Canada, 2000

The Closer We Are to Dying, Joe Fiorito, McClelland & Stewart, 1999

Motion Sickness, David Layton, McFarlane Walter & Ross, 1999

Fathers & Sons, Alberto Manguel, Raincoast Books, 1998

Understanding Men’s Passages, Gail Sheehy, Random House, 1998

I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Legacy of Male Depression, Terrence Real, Simon & Schuster, 1997

The Prodigal Father: Reuniting Fathers with Their Children, Mark Bryan, 1997

The Loss That is Forever: The Lifelong Impact of the Early Death of a Mother or Father, Maxine Harris, Ph.D, Dutton, 1995

Father-Son Healing: An Adult Son’s Guide, Joseph Ilardo, Ph.D, New Harbinger Publications Inc., 1993

Iron John: A Book About Men, Robert Bly, Vintage, 1992


What is Lonely Boy?

“Sometimes I wonder if I’m the person I was born to be, if the life I’ve lived really is the one I was meant to, or if it is some half life, a mutation engineered by loss, cobbled together by the will to survive.”

These are CNN broadcaster Anderson Cooper words just a few pages into his memoir, Dispatches from the Edge. His father died when Cooper was 10 years old, and what comes to light in the remainder of the book is how Cooper compensated, sometimes overcompensated, for this loss and in fact chose to put himself in dangerous situations as a foreign correspondent in order to try to justify his emotional pain and fill the void.

When I read his words I related not only because my own life has been peppered by profound and difficult to resolve loss since a very young age, but I have known too many men whose lives certainly echo Cooper’s internal question. There is plenty of literature on mother/daughter or even father/daughter relationships. The relationship between a father and his son is one of the most important that exists, creating rippling effects in the world. Yet, very little has been published on this topic and certainly almost no literary material.

This is a literary project, soon to be published, whose title, Lonely Boy, is taken from a song my brother wrote about my father when, as a teenager, he realized he would never have the father he needed or desired and had to look elsewhere for direction and examples of how to be a man in the world. Though I cannot speak for him, I know the absence of a strong father figure is something that has interrupted the course of his life.

Sadly, this is not an isolated story. 

In the course of my freelance writing career, reviewing books and interviewing authors, as well as lifestyle and pop culture writing, I find it odd and sad that we don’t often ask men about their inner lives. It’s a missed opportunity and valuable, necessary addition to our culture’s discourse.

In effect, this project merges personal interest with professional aspiration.

When I placed a call for writers on this topic, the response was overwhelming. I know there are many untold stories out there. Please send me yours and I will post them here so that others can read, comment and share.

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Here’s my Globe & Mail review of Anderson Cooper’s Dispatches from the Edge (please note, may require subscription):

His pain, our gain

 


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